1. I think perhaps part of avoiding the trap of being too unselfish is by fixing on the 'positive' instead of the 'negative'. Screwtape mentions the difference between doing something because we want to be unselfish and doing something because we want others to happy - focusing on the latter instead of the former takes the focus off of us and puts it onto others.
As for avoiding the creation of a huge problem with peoples' wishes, one thought would be to yield graciously and promptly. I've been in exactly the sort of situation given a number of times before and, to be honest, if I hadn't been selfish about wanting to do things my way and then made a big deal out of doing it their way instead, the whole issue probably wouldn't have arisen. I think I've been getting a bit better, but I'm still not really sure about the best way to deal with it.

2. Em, I probably don't distinguish that well between them normally. But I like Lewis' distinction between them; it's very useful.

1. How can we avoid the trap of being too unselfish? (In other words getting the sense of self righteousness) How can we avoid arguing for the other side's wishes and creating a bigger problem? (As in the example Screwtape gave).
I think we really need to exam our motives. If we are making our selves into martyrs or doing it to purely to make ourselves feel good then the results probably won't be good. Usually I just give into what others want to do, but that probably isn't the best way to avoid problems. I think it is important to express an opinion and then be willing to look for a compromise. Even then, the situation could be delicate.

2. Do you distinguish between Charity and Unselfishness?
I generally tend to think of Charity as involving giving people money, clothing or other necessities and Unselfishness as giving time or allowing others to have their way. However, the points made in this letter are important to keep in mind.

1. How can we avoid the trap of being too unselfish? (In other words getting the sense of self righteousness) How can we avoid arguing for the other side's wishes and creating a bigger problem? (As in the example Screwtape gave).
Take the focus off ourselves and focus our eyes on others. Then you will just end up being unselfish if you are not focused on yourself.

2. Do you distinguish between Charity and Unselfishness?
No, I do not really. But I think a lot of charity has to do with feeling good when we help others so we do it more and unselfishness has more to do with focusing on others and so we care about them.

1. How can we avoid the trap of being too unselfish? (In other words getting the sense of self righteousness) How can we avoid arguing for the other side's wishes and creating a bigger problem? (As in the example Screwtape gave).

State your true desires then decide to fulfill them or deny them. Don't let pride enter into it. Using the tea party example:

Person 1: I want to have tea in the garden.

Person 2: I want to have tea in the solarium.

Person 1: Any other suggestions?

Person 3: No.

Person 2: The air is fresh today. Let's have tea in the garden today. Then perhaps we could have tea in the solarium tomorrow?

Person 1: Capital idea.

Person 3: Quite right.

2. Do you distinguish between Charity and Unselfishness?

Selfishness is looking out for your own interests only. Unselfishness is merely neutral. (Or if used to foster resentment, it could be negative as well.) Charity is actively looking out for someone else's interests above your own.

I found this whole concept of motives to be convicting. I used to give tips because I wanted to bless the server. Now I give tips because I don’t want to look selfish. Oops. What happened there? *Heart adjustment in progress…*

3. I also was interested in the differences between the male and female views of unselfishness. Very useful information.