I didn't steal it, I borrowed it, I needed it to record the annual midnight ball, which as you know is far more important that some football game

You poured black ink all over my bed!

sorry! my pen exploded!!

you stepped on my cat!!

He offered to give me a ride on his back, and I accepted. That was me starting to get on. He's fine, he knew my weight.

You beat my living banana to death, burned it alive, and put it on bread and water for the next six weeks!

Lasaraleen ordered me too! I didn't want to face her wrath

You sold me on the slave market in Tashbaan!

I needed money...

you dumped me in the swimming pool and I didn't have time to take my cell phone out of my pocket and now it's ruined! how could you?

There was someone about to shoot you, and that was the only direction I could push you in before the person shot you. I saved your life! How expensive was your phone? If it was cheap enough, then I'll order you a replacement right away. If it was expensive, then, uh, well... I have owed so many people so many things, that I'm a little short on cash right now. I'll get you a replacement as soon as I can afford one, though.

You stole every banana tree in my backyard! And their bananas were SO yummy! Why? Why did you have to steal my banana trees? They're very cheap to buy right now (about $0.10 per tree), so why didn't you just buy one of those instead of stealing all of mine?

Since they're so cheap, I knew you wouldn't mind buying more.

You read my mail! Don't you know that's a federal offense?

Hey! How am I supposed to know that it's your mail if the name and address are mine? The mailman also delivered them to me, and it was junk mail! I only just realized the mailman put a sticker over the name and address to make it look like it was for me, so he is the one who should be in trouble. I'm suing the mailman for delivering me a different person's mail on purpose.

You incinerated my mailbox, my lawn, and my new banana trees!

Sorry I just got a pet dragon... and she hasn't been fire-trained yet...

You blocked off my dragon's cave with a bunch of rocks! How am I going to feed her now?!

it was either be eaten by the dragon or block off the cave! I kinda like living, ya know!

You stole my pizza! Now what do I have for dinner?!

I made you a yummy vegetable salad, it's a lot healthier for you, but I knew you wouldn't eat it unless I took the pizza away.

You threw my laptop on the floor and smashed it!!

I didn't think you would mind since you got a brand new one!

You locked me out of my house in the heat!

A giant monster broke into your house, so I was keeping it from escaping from your house while I'm using my plasma cannon to destroy it. I'll let you back in after I have teleported the monster into a black hole.

After I built myself a new house, you set up hundreds of death traps on my front porch and back yard to keep me from getting out! How am I supposed to leave now?

I am protecting you form evil ninjas who were about to burn you house to the ground. I don't think you would want that.

You stole my pet monkey!!

Hey! I'm your pet monkey, so how can I steal myself? Oh, right, I was kidnapped by one of my doppleganger's identical brothers, and then escaped 3 hours later.

You canceled my order for 10 banana trees that I've been awaiting the arrival of for weeks! And just when it was 15 minutes away!