Back in the day (over ten years ago...oof), I considered myself an agnostic/atheist because I felt like I didn't have enough convincing evidence to believe that there was a God, afterlife, etc.  I wanted to believe, trust me--who wants to believe that "this is all there is"?--but I could not overcome the doubt and skepticism.  The closest I got was entertaining reincarnation as a very real possibility (and I still do), but it was still just a hope or wish I felt like I had a little bit of personal evidence for rather than faith.  It seemed like, even if I could manage to convince myself to believe, I would be lying to myself in order to make myself feel better.  I suffered from a fear of death that peaked at full-blown crippling phobia.

I still have doubts and fears, of course (and I still deal with anxiety in general), but I just wanted to say that I no longer consider myself an agnostic/atheist and have not for some time.  I now believe that we have an impressive amount of evidence for the existence of God, that scientific understanding points towards God as part of our reality, and that Jesus was who he said he was.  I consider myself a Christian.  I'm sure I have some beliefs that differ from the average Christian's, but I'm trying my best to have more faith and be closer to God.

I'm really appreciative of C.S. Lewis for creating Narnia.  It was always in the back of my mind, and whenever I struggled to fall asleep because of terrible anxiety, it would always be a Narnia audiobook I played to help me fall asleep.  I used to be a little resentful of how overt Lewis made the Christian themes in Narnia because I saw it as bordering on indoctrination...but now I honestly feel like he might have been divinely inspired.  I understand that Narnia is not the most impressive work of fiction in terms of either plot or prose, but it seems there is an absolute truth in it which shines through for the spiritually hungry.

For anyone thinking I only came to this conclusion to make the fear go away, I am not the type of person who can convince themselves to believe in something for the sake of comfort; I need to have a real reason to believe it, otherwise simply believing in God would have cured my phobia years ago.  Alternatively, maybe you think Lewis' indoctrination was successful, but I came to my conclusion about God/Jesus independently of Narnia and only realised later that Narnia must have resonated with me so strongly because of its message.  I certainly have never felt this particular emotion about any other book, no matter how much I liked it.

It bothered me that I remembered writing comments/threads here where I declared myself an atheist...  Atheists are totally different now than what I was.  I NEVER wanted to belligerently argue that there was no God, I just did not feel like I had enough proof to believe in one.  Even now, sometimes I'm like...what if this is all just delusion?  But I will carry on believing regardless.  Insert Puddleglum quote, lol.