You forgot to set the timer.

You ruined my wedding.

You shouldn't have had it at my house without my permission!!

You let the ice cream melt!

I wanted to drink it

you messed up my Facebook account!

Facebook will be obsolete soon anyway as soon as another social networking site comes around.

You borrowed my cell phone without permission and lost it!

NO, it fell into my back pack and then someone stole it from me

Why is the carpet coated in sugar?

Because I was carrying a bowl of sugar when your dog made me trip. The sugar went flying all over the carpet.

Why did you get rid of my front door?

I saw that termites were living in it, but don't worry I ordered you another door

Why don't you pick up your own crumbs of food when you eat over at my house like a pig?

Because I'm used to my dogs licking up all my crumbs when I'm at home. They do a great job on the dishes as well!

You didn't answer the phone when I called you!

You've been calling me for the last hour, I needed a break

You told me you would look after my house while I was on vacation and so I left, now I come back...and where's my house?

I had it shipped to London, England to give to a friend

you sat on my lunch!

I'm sorry, my coach made me run 15 laps. I needed to sit down. I'll buy you something better.

Why did you cut my long hair in my sleep?!

There was a mouse hiding in it.

What happened to the tree that used to be in the backyard?

*whistles* Ever heard of a bull-dowser? We built a shed and had to remove it

Why did you spill my drink??

I didn't! Your cup was in the way of my elbow!
For what reason do you continually insist upon retaining contrary sociological opinions?
Why don't you understand that sentence?

for obvious reasons. it says, "If you are reading this you are too close." what does that mean?

you ripped a hole in the tent!