(tough one, Astro...)

You receive more patience, but then everyone around you becomes more annoying to the same degree.

I wish I could turn back time.

You can turn back time, but you never remember in your relived time that you're reliving it, and somehow you manage to make all the same decisions you made before, thereby trapping yourself into an endless loop of reliving time.

I wish you could get your greatest wish.

Yes you do get your wish and my greatest one is therefore fulfilled. The result? The lions win the tournament!!

I wish my dog would learn to not bark at everything that moves outside the window.

Your dog no longer barks at everything that moves outside, he sings at it instead! Only opera, too. Plus, he's not very good at it either. I hope you enjoy all of your china dishes breaking everytime the mail comes.

I wish I could own an exotic animal for a pet.

You get a wonderful new pet alligator... and then it eats you alive.

I wish today was tomorrow and tomorrow was today.

It happens, but unfortunately it rips a hole in the time-space continuum and you end up being sucked through the rift in order to restore the balance. Hope those weeping angels make for good company. XD

I wish VR (full body virtual reality) was a real technology in the present day.

It is; however, you soon get locked inside the virtual reality due to the security controls malfunctioning. There's no way out, and so you're stuck there for the rest of your life.

I wish I had a pet alligator.

You get an adorable baby alligator, only to find out that he's allergic to you and can't stand being near you.

I wish I had all the latest technology.

You get all the latest technology, but it really IS the latest, as in, it's not even widely available. All together, these chunks of expensive technology somehow become sentient by their combined power and start to wreck havoc on your life. Moving your appointments without your knowledge, leaving insulting text messages to your girlfriend, reprogramming your computer to gather illegal data from unprotected (and protected!) wifi hotspots near you, etc, etc, etc.

I wish I could design beautiful, functional clothing and get it sewn in record time.

You design it and have it sewn in record time.
It also gets worn to shreds in record time.

I wish I was better at thinking up good wishes.

You become very good at making up wishes, but they're so complex that they can't be granted.

I wish that I could have gone to London for the Olympics.

Yes you could have gone to the London Olympics. But you didn't win any medals because when you got to London, you missed many of the competitions, when you got lost in the busy traffic. Your map of where the facilities are turned into a monopoly board, and you got put into jail without passing Go or being paid £200. Whilst in jail for driving on the wrong side of the road, you find out that the Well-known Old Bailey in Smithfield has sentenced you to transportation for life to Botany Bay (Sydney).

But as I still call Australia home, I do wish we all return there safely.

Voila, you return to Australia safe and sound. But upon your arrival in Australia, you are greeted by a giant lizard who starts consuming your fellow Aussies!

I wish that I had an owl who could deliver messages for me.

You get an owl that delivers messages to you, but each message has a price to pay per message.

I wish I could own my own computer.

Granted, but it's one of those ancient huge ones that filled an entire room and could barely do anything.

I wish I could live on chocolate and pizza.