They were so ugly they made my eyes bleed. I did y'all a favor.

(and all the smilies go in their banished state, their sensitive, exaggerated emotions for once all lining up at the same time)

You set my sandwich on fire!

Ha! I love starting fires, that's all. You should try it sometime.

You stepped on my toe!

I'm sorry I'm such a bad dancer ...

You ate all my chocolate!

You shouldn't have left it in plain view, tempting me. It's really your fault

You deleted my novel

I'm sorry! I had the sudden urge to hit the backspace key.

You ate my string cheese! ( )

And it was really yummy. Hey, you left it on the counter! And I know how much you hate mushy, room temperature cheese.

You ripped my dog's blankie off of him! Now he's crying!

Oh dear! Did I do that? I thought your dog was offering his blankie to me. Wondered why he was so fussy.

You broke my smolder!

Hun, the only way that could be considered a smolder would be if you were on fire--trust me, I was doing you a favour.

You deleted the contents of my TiVo and replaced it with TELETUBBIES?!

I needed a place to dump the Teletubbies from my TiVo.

You tried to add an eleventh commandment.

Well, I didn't mean the commandment to be official or anything... but "cleanliness is next to godliness" would really do your social life some good.

You disassembled all the hardware in the house? Along with one of the ceiling fans and Uncle Bob's storage shed?

Yeah, but at least I finally found a screw to complete my new invention: THE INTERNET! Oh wait....

You lost my library book!

It tried to kill me, so I simply locked it in a box. I also forgot that I had put it in the box until now, I'll give you the box's key so you can get it out.

You changed my username!

I decided you needed something more creative.

You ripped up my whole entire collection of postcards!

I wasn't aware they were a collection - just a pile of paper ...

You killed my cat!

Technically, my dog did.

You wrote a horrible Narnia fanfiction!